Eavesdrop Fail
by Speculatrix
Summary: Stanford, the Cortez bros and Tezz stumble on a very weird conversation. Rated M for overly-provocative dialogue.


**Eavesdrop Fail  
**

******Disclaimer: **No, I don't own BF5, they belong to Mattel Inc and Nerd Corps. I only own the storyline and theories in this one-shot. Also, this is my first *gulp* M-rated fic.

It had been a week since Vert was declared Leader of the New Council of Five and the BF5 had been staying on the Blue Sentient Planet, so that their vehicles could be remade and to be closer to the BF5's (And the Sentient Planets') first couple. Vert and Sage were doing really fine as they set about restoring the Blue Sentient planet to its former glory with the help of the other Sentients and their human friends. But, quite recently, Sage had fallen into a state of depression, because, while they had successfully regenerated Sol, he had lost _all_ of his memories and practically become a neuron once again. After two days of throwing herself into work, Sage confronted Vert and asked a bizarre request out of him. A very hesitant Vert had to make sure a million times that she wanted what she wanted, as he led her to the room they shared.

"OK Sage...tell me again..._are you sure you want this_?" Vert asked his beloved Sentient girlfriend nervously. Sage only smiled reassuringly at him.

"Of course I do, my love. I have never been so sure of a decision before."

Vert sighed. _Of course_ she wanted this. He then wrapped an arm around Sage as he kissed her forehead.

"Of course you do." He pressed the code and the door slid open. "You first, sweets." She levitated in, as he followed.

* * *

The rest of the BF5, minus Agura, who was babysitting Aura and Kryptys (Kharosivach and Karmakarys' children) and Zoom and A. J., who had gone to Earth to order pizza, were just wandering around the Council HQ, admiring the architecture, when they heard a weird exchange coming from Vert's and Sage's room.

"All right, Sage, here it is."

"It's as long and magnificent as the day I first saw it!"

"Naw, you! Now here you go, easy does it..."

"...Oh, my..."

"There, now squeeze slightly..."

Stanford's jaw dropped. The Cortez brothers stuck their ears onto the wall nearby and Tezz's eyebrows shot up. The Battle Force boys just stood frozen in their spots, as they listened further.

"OK, now grip it firmly but don't squeeze too hard, or it'll..."

"I'll be cautious. Like so?"

"Just a bit loose… There. Just like that."

"There. Now what?"

"Now we practice making sure that you can hold it properly. Hand it over."

"All right."

"Now, show me how you hold it."

"I wrap my fingers around it and form a fist. I also must I stroke the tip with my thumb."

"Now you're talking! Guess that means we can get down to the nitty gritty."

Meanwhile, outside the door, Stanford was blushing and silently jumping up and down with both his legs stuck together. Spinner's eye was twitching as his little brother tried to stop his ears, while Tezz, for once, was speechless.

"Sh-sherman, are they actually..." Spinner whispered.

"Seems like it," his brother whispered back.

"But it's impossible!" Tezz mumbled agitatedly, "A human and a Sentient..! No way!" "And why's that, Einstein?!" Stanford had now joined the buzz, rubbing a hand up and down his fauxhawk to calm himself.

"Their anatomies are similar in outward appearance..." Tezz answered. "But Sentients, unlike humans, do not have an internal reproductive system," Sherman finished for him.

"But that's a good thing, isn't it?!" Spinner asked, "Like, y'know, no more birth control..."

His brother threw him a glare. They carried on listening.

"OK Sage, you're doing fine so far."

"I hope you haven't been injured by my recklessness, my love."

"Not at all. Just swing it around the right way and you'll get the hang of it."

"All right...now, as you humans say, here goes...Oh my!"

"OW! _Sage!_"

"My apologies, Vert. I'll make it feel better..."

That was the last straw. The Battle Force boys pushed Stanford first and he stepped in as the door answered the correct code. "I say, old chaps, I was wondering...uh..."

Stanford stopped talking. The other 3 went in to be greeted by a strange sight.

Vert was sitting on the floor, face scrunched up in pain, while Sage held his throbbing hand in one of hers, the other holding Vert's sword. No, not _that _sword, you perverts! The Red one he uses in battle!

"What's up, Vert?" Sherman asked.

"I think I swung it in the wrong direction again," Sage said, looking concerned.

"Just giving Sage sword lessons on request," Vert answered Sherm's question. "Oh...K," Spinner asked, then blurted out, "So you guys weren't..."

"SPINNER!" Stanford and Sherman shouted him down before he could say it. Tezz groaned and facepalmed.

"I do not understand," Sage said. "Hmmm, I think I do," Vert grimly replied, "And is it what I think it was, you pervs?"

The four guys immediately started whistling and shuffling about innocently. Except Tezz. "Yes, it was."

"I see," Sage instantly piped up, "'Perv' is the shortened form of the word 'pervert.' Which is the term for one who is highly obsessed with sexual intercourse."

Vert and the Battle Force boys blushed to hear the last two words. Sage continued, "Are Stanford, Sherman, Spinner and Tezz implying that Vert and I performed this act?"

"Uh..." "Actually, we, uh..." "Ye...I mean, No! I mean..." "Not, really luv'..." "Yes."

"TEZZ!" The boys yelled at him. Vert, now fifty shades redder than the Saber's paintjob, just facepalmed.

Sage blinked, then laughed, "Honestly, my friends, everyone knows that a human and a Sentient cannot perform this act! Especially Sentients, who have their own complex method of pleasure and reproduction! Which is why Vert and I decided that I perform the act of fell...Oomph!"

Vert clapped a hand over her mouth and hurriedly exclaimed, "Nothing to see here, guys! Nothing to hear either! Now GET! OUT!" He then pushed the guys out of the room and barricaded the door to be Spinner-proof.

"Sage, please...don't do that again."

"I'm sorry if I upset you, Vert," Sage replied, "But why would you not let details like this be heard by others?"

"I dunno...cos it's...humiliating. Especially for a guy like me."

"So your pride is wounded," Sage guessed, as she sidled up to him and entwined her arms around his shoulders to kiss the back of his neck. Vert chuckled as he enjoyed the sensation.

"Well, now we have ways of making you feel better," Sage smiled saucily, winking at him, "What do you think, my love?"

"...Why not?"

**FIN  
**


End file.
